Now, the goal is not to switch from one addiction to another, but to achieve better discipline and self-control. I have the brain of a junkie – all or nothing – so I understand the vulnerability one might feel during withdrawal of any kind. I am on my fifth day of not smoking. Maybe I can also bring some support to folks who are in the same situation right now trying to quit tobacco or something else.
Smoking brain
See, I managed to stay off the hard stuff my whole life, but smoking was my one, real vice. I say vice because I knew it was bad for my health and I did it anyway, but it’s not bad per se. My birth mum was a junkie, even when I was in the womb. I grew up fine but my nose is purely for decorative purposes, meaning my breathing capabilities, from the nose to the lungs, are not optimum to begin with, so I quickly started feeling the adverse effects of smoking.
You may remember that scene from Friends, where Chandler discovers Monica’s messy, secret closet? Well, smoking was that closet for me. It allowed me to work on all other levels, or at least, that’s what I thought. Who knows which thoughts came from me and which came from the nicotine. Plants have an immense power. Native American Indians used to get high on pure tobacco. Today, that power has been blasted into a compact little cigarette that we crave every hour or so. Strange… anyway, back to me.
So, I pretty much smoked as much as I could. I have achieved that goal. I can say I have smoked until my mind and my body could not take it anymore. It’s almost like I didn’t even have a say in quitting. It was more like, ‘well, I’ve exhausted that route so, it’s over’.
Because, in these moments, you can see the future. I saw myself feeling guiltier and guiltier, my skin getting prematurely old, my mind just being disappointed with me being a slave to my brain chemicals. So, I stopped.
It’s been 5 days.
First day was great. I felt so pumped and free. I could touch real power.
The second day was one of the worst days of my life. It literally hurt. That’s when the brain starts realizing that you were not kidding about this whole quitting business, so it gets angry. Bad memories are coming back to me. Paranoia. Because my brain associated smoking with relaxing, my body was constantly tense and still today, I feel like I have run a bloody marathon for almost a week. The emotional triggers are there but I have a good support system at home so they’re not the most annoying part of withdrawal.
I’m also too tense to cook or play the piano which sucks because they are two activities that usually relax me the most.
Everybody’s vaping these days, but it’s just too gay for me, sorry. I don’t want to have to charge my fix, thank you very much. I do vape on some greenery though, which helps a lot. DUH.
Now I can breathe fine. It’s still tough to take the cravings, especially in the evening, but I have a lot of new energy and I feel high on oxygen. Also, the pain was so bad that I am not seriously tempted to regress back to smoking, because I know one drag will bring me back to square one.
What helped
Here are a few things that helped me not go insane.
Masturbation
I guess I’ve been masturbating a little bit more than usual. Anything that scratches my itch, basically. You know, sexual imagination is a great way to relieve stress. It works better than any pill you might be tempted to take. Let’s go organic all the way!
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Sensitivity to touch
Yes, I am definitely feeling more ‘raw’ than usual, emotionally and physically. However, when I’m not craving tobacco, that sensitivity is translated into energy and excitement. I feel waves going through my body, from my toes to the top of my head. So, having your feet massaged and kissed is just another WORLD of pleasure. I feel all of it. ALL OF IT. Basically, some unpleasant feeling of withdrawal can be turned into something enjoyable. It can even be a good excuse to take a week off and treat yourself with all the things you like. Except that one thing, of course… Life has such a great sense of humor, don’t you think?
Anyway, I definitely feel sexier now that I’m not coughing like an old trucker and I think my boobs even got a little bigger, probably because I’ve been eating a little more. So really, it’s a win-win situation.
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Hot Sauce
Unlike Hillary, I don’t like to pretend. I’m French, I didn’t have any experience with hot sauce before I met my Indian husband. Spices did help me even before I quit smoking because they helped with congestion and basically allowed me to breathe better. Now that I’m not smoking, I still torture myself with a spoon of insanely hot sauce from time to time, just for the trip and the personal challenge, you know. I can do it!
This whole process has been making me feel like a fucking amazon. I can take any demon coming at me now, and I can see how that will translate into quite the sex ride… As soon as the swelling in my ankles goes down, of course…
Here’s me and Viktoria Vaar after taking a spoonful of deadly hot sauce, on the set of Hot Couture.
Last words
Taking on this challenge makes me feel extremely good about myself and I feel that it is going to boost my libido because I am full of energy and that energy is, at the core of things, sexual. So, if you’re contemplating quitting smoking, or anything else that you feel is dividing your soul, then remember that you already have the power inside you and that the reward will be much greater than what you can imagine.