Every woman is a porn actress – Thoughts on sex and patriarchy

I was having a bad day. I was home all day, trying to find the right music for my new scene and I was frustrated. It was grey outside and I was smoking too much. I was still in my pyjamas, in my dark, cloudy bedroom, wishing it wasn’t raining. So I took a break and watched some porn. It’s not because I’m a feminist porn filmmaker that I only watch feminist stuff. Why double penetration, you might ask? I don’t know. I like the sight of two dicks into a woman and it works well for a quick jerk off. I usually avoid the super trashy stuff. I can’t get horny if the girl is wearing high heels or fishnets, it’s just too much for me. I also try to find the videos in which the guys are at least a little bit good looking and not resembling pimps or ex-cons. It might be hard to understand, but if the guy looks like he wants to beat the crap out of me, I tend to have trouble identifying to the scene, but, that’s just me.

Not just bad lighting

So, I found a scene with a nice woman who said she loved anal. I want to believe her, so I started fast forwarding to the good bits. Anal and blow job. Then, DP. I like it when she’s on top of a guy and then another guy comes and puts his dick into her ass. It’s actually the only thing I like in the whole scene, and I try to ignore all the other things that bother me: the same positions all the time, the guys’ angry faces, a woman who has no say whatsoever in what’s happening, the doubt that maybe she’s not ok, the guilt of watching the scene anyway, the boring, final, ejaculation scene, and the bad lighting.

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Why do I feel bad, really? Who says it’s not feminist? She obviously made the choice to perform in that scene, so who’s to judge that? Feminism is all about choice. Yes, BUT. But the thing is that I KNOW what it feels like to be fucked like that. I know what it’s like to be ‘handled’ by guys, flipped over, turned around. I know what it’s like to have a dick shoved into my dry cunt or to have a big cock hastily penetrating my ass. I know that voice in my head that says that I have to smile and pretend I like it, because I was taught I had to give sex and shut my mouth. I know what it’s like to feel like an object, like my feelings don’t matter. Every woman is a porn actress, at some point in her life. Because a gene in our modern society DNA tells us we are here to please men and to overlook our own desires.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to take it rough. But, we can’t deny there is something wrong in that scene. Something that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. What is it? I think it’s the fact that she has no power. She has no point of view, no presence. The film is shot only with angles that would appeal to the male perspective. Being objectified is not the same thing as being submissive. When you’re submissive, you still have power, because you give your partner the green light to dominate you for your pleasure, not to take whatever body part they want from you and then call you a whore for it. When I see a woman choking on a big dick, her mascara is running down her cheeks and two other guys are fighting over who gets to fuck her in the ass, it makes me feel less human. It’s not that women don’t like sex, it’s that the way it’s been done so far only pushes us to ignore our own desires even more. But I guess it’s hard to understand for people who have never been FUCKED.

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry

So, I was watching that scene and I had a thought. For women, life is like being in that threesome. Feminists have made so much progress the last century, they scratched and scratched the skin of patriarchy and now, we can finally put a finger on its core. Women have way more opportunities than before, in this part of the world, I mean, but the macho dynamic is still everywhere, impalpable. We work, we fuck, we succeed. Yet, we still feel apologetic for not being appealing, beautiful, present enough for men. So, we have to deal with our own lives, and on top of that, we still have to work up men’s egos. We’re sorry for being ‘bossy’, sorry for having a messy flat, sorry for not wanting to suck your dick right now, sorry for not shaving my bush for our date, sorry, sorry, sorry…

It’s not about women not liking blow jobs, it’s about how, somehow, we have to give a blow job, on request, how we’re slut-shamed and judged for it. Like in a mainstream threesome, we take dicks in our holes and we have to smile at the same time.

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Why don’t you just say what you want?, guys would tell me.

Well, because I had never even thought about what I wanted. I was always there to fulfill a role, not to have fun myself. It’s only a few years ago, when I started writing about porn, that I realized I was actually entitled to my sexuality. Without feeling guilty for it.

This is what feminist porn is all about. To fix this biased life and bring equality to sex. This is not about blaming men, it’s about finding our place and our voice so that everybody can be men and women people, together.

My holes. My rules.